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In the past year, not only have they brought their jobs home and given up vacations and outings, but they have also become educators or teachers for their children. From trumpet lessons moved exclusively into their apartment to helping their kids write their first letters in front of the tablet, online schooling has been a serious challenge for an important category of Romanians – parents.

What did it mean for them, what was the most difficult part, and what are the positive aspects of this period? We spoke with parents and psychologists to find out how the isolation period caused by the COVID-19 pandemic has affected mothers and fathers.

Parents and online school
Photo: Profimedia Images / James Veysey / Shutterstock Editorial

“In case of war, you survive and that’s about it”

“The number of parents seeking therapeutic intervention increased in the second half of 2020,” says Irina Stoica, psychologist and mother of two. “For parents with children in preparatory classes and those with children in primary school, it was particularly demanding, as well as for those with multiple children. Encouragingly, fathers have shown increased interest in therapy services as well as parental counseling.”

Irina Stoica | Photo: Personal Archive

“I work with a few parents whose jobs require high concentration and 7-8 hours of presence at the office, with no breaks. Many of them have had to work during the night for 4-5 hours, while supervising several young children during the day.” “Parents, due to exhaustion, illness, and overwork, can no longer effectively parent. In times of crisis, survival becomes the main focus.” “We have lived this year as if in a state of war, under constant threat, with fear and doubts. This has required a tremendous effort from both mind and body. Many parents love their children and seek therapy and personal development to support them as needed, but you must be well in order to do good. For some parents, achieving a state of well-being has been difficult in this challenging year.”

Doubt, guilt, and overwork are the emotions and states that most parents are facing in these times. Raising and educating children, according to new parenting approaches, were challenging even before the current context. Today, it is downright difficult.”

“If parents did not benefit from family support, social support, and flexibility from their employer, it is evident that their lives have undergone significant changes, which also affect their relationship with their children. The couple’s relationship can also be affected due to the lack of time invested in it.”

Psychologist Andreea Chiru Maga, for her part, believes that generalizations should be avoided because there were also happy cases: “For some parents, especially those with older children and a somewhat wider social framework, it was a good period,” but for many it was not the case, especially for parents of young children or those who suffered financially.

“There was also the fear that children might fall behind with their activities and schoolwork, that they might miss out on important things, such as final-year exams, which also caused stress and anxiety for parents as they had to prepare for this period. There were also financial issues, as some families were affected during the lockdown.”

Andreea Chiru Maga | Photo: Personal archive

Was there a positive side?

Chiru Maga: “Yes, there were also positive things during this period. Parents rediscovered their children in some way, or rediscovered themselves in different ways. There are relationships between partners that worked, and others that, unfortunately, did not, but many beautiful things also happened, and I believe the connection between families became a bit stronger. Communication in some families improved quite a lot. It made us more aware of what we feel. Certain emotions are normal, and during this period it was normal to feel more anxious and fearful.”

“It’s good to normalize these things because some parents take on superhero roles where they want to prove they’re very good at helping with homework and doing their jobs, and they end up in a burnout phase where they can’t handle it anymore. It’s normal to feel weak sometimes, not just strong.”

Stoica: “For parents who managed to get a flexible work schedule and had support from family in raising their children, this context has also been an opportunity for connection. At the same time, parents became involved in the teaching and educational system within the school, witnessing interactions between teachers and children as well as among the children themselves. They became more engaged and aware of the children’s difficulties related to socialization or the assimilation and use of the information provided. This level of interest was quite low before the pandemic, and there was a need for parents to be more involved in areas where they could contribute,” Stoica believes.

“At the same time, fathers who worked from home had to share household chores and time with the children with their partners. This helped some of them realize how overburdened mothers are, and others found it helped them connect more with their children. There are couples who have become closer, having faced major changes together.”

“Stress has long exceeded the limit” / “The hardest part was being recognized in the role of educator. I am and that’s it”

From the perspective of a parent of two children, aged 6 and 4 and a half, Irina Stoica observed that the time spent together was less qualitative: “For the most part, I think we all experienced a lot of quantitative time together, but too little qualitative time compared to the quantity. Sometimes I felt the need for us to miss each other, but we were always together. I personally felt the lack of mobility the most acutely.”

How was it for someone with three children? Or for a mother of a child in the preparatory class who also takes care of a small child? Or for parents of a student who studies the trumpet in an apartment?

Six parents shared with HotNews.ro what this period meant for them and what the positive aspects were.

* Simona Zaharia, mother of a child in kindergarten and a toddler (one year and nine months):

“It has been and continues to be incredibly hard. I placed her in front of a tablet to learn how to write, read, and do math. (…) It’s terrible to learn this way because technical problems keep arising, which distract her and destroy her concentration.”

“The stress has long gone beyond the limit. There has always been, and still is, the fear that if both of us fall ill with severe forms, there will be no one to help with the children. Then there’s the stress that the children might get sick. Since March 2020 until now, we’ve had minimal contact with the outside world. I have been with the children 24/7, without breaks, and the lack of even minimal freedom has negatively impacted my emotional state. The hardest part was seeing my daughter’s suffering and not being able to gather myself each time to make her burden easier to bear. It was difficult not being able to show our little boy the world, to take him to the park or to the beach, to let him meet other children his age. It was very hard to witness my daughter’s regression. I didn’t expect there to be much progress during this time, but I wasn’t prepared to see her regress.”

A positive aspect? “We reminded ourselves that we don’t need as many things as we thought before. One good thing during this period was that we read a lot to my daughter and moved to a different level of reading, to a different type of books. We received the news (of the reopening of schools) with dancing and cheers.”

*Marius Bărbulescu, the father of a sixth-grade boy and a kindergarten girl:

“At first, it was amusing; I thought it would all be over in 2-3 months. Then it became a bit stressful because I’m a freelancer and my contracts were falling through like flies. After the state of emergency ended, I started working again, much less than in previous years, but at least I was doing something. The fact that we were all at home made my job quite difficult. The hardest part was having to give up many of my dreams and put them on hold. I didn’t have time to learn anything new besides cooking; I used the two hours in the evening to relax or work on something else.”

“The positive aspects are that I learned to manage on a budget about three times smaller than in previous years, I learned to cook all our favorite dishes that we used to spend a lot of money on at restaurants, and I had more time to play and talk with the kids.”

Photo: Annette Riedl / AFP / Profimedia

*Ruxandra Mihaia Caranfil, mother of three children – third grade, preparatory class, and kindergarten:

“The middle child is currently learning to write and read letters and needs my support to follow the lessons. The older ones have classes at the same time, and there have been and still are days when I move between their rooms, trying to explain what they need to do when necessary.”

“This period has been difficult for me; our activities were completely halted, and we had to adapt and reinvent ourselves. Although I was supposed to start collaborating with a beauty salon, I found myself in a situation where salons were closed for a long time, and all events were canceled. So, I started a sewing project to help us survive. The most difficult part was finding a balance between working in the workshop and the children’s schooling.”

I would say that online school was good for me and my children, mainly because it helped me understand the teachers’ methods and then explain them to the kids. The oldest has made a lot of progress with my additional support.

* Ruxandra Drăgan, mother of a 5-year-old boy:

“It was hard. I felt a bit embarrassed to complain, thinking of those with 2, 3, or 4 children. But at the same time, I think maybe it was a bit easier for them because, in the end, the children had a playmate, and at least for 30 minutes, you wouldn’t hear ‘mommy,’ ‘mommy,’ ‘mommy.’ As the only one at home with him, it was hard. It was stressful also because, inevitably, financial problems arose—my husband had all his bonuses cut, and I continued paying for daycare, even at half price. Plus, I constantly had to have two kinds of food, snacks, etc., in the house. The most difficult part was being recognized by Alex in the role of educator. It was impossible. For Alex, I am just mom and nothing more.”

“There were also positive aspects. Because of him, I had regular meals for a while. We spent a lot of time together, with all that it entailed—arguments, shouting, beautiful reconciliations. Then I think it was good for Alex to see what work and a job mean.”

*C.B., mother of two children— a 12-year-old boy studying trumpet and piano at the Music School and a second-grader at a private school:

“The big challenge was to organize the trumpet and piano lessons in such a way that the younger one could also have his online classes and that we could work at a normal pace. And of course, to maintain civilized relations with the neighbors. One neighbor, a yoga instructor, held some workshops with a trumpet background soundtrack. Besides the online lessons, he practiced trumpet for at least one hour every day. Luckily, we have music-loving neighbors. We live in an apartment.”

“It was a strange period, where we tried to find a touch of normalcy amidst the uncertainty. The most difficult part was juggling work tasks, managing online classes with everything they involved, and household chores. Before the lockdown, we had limited the children’s access to electronics. It was difficult to suddenly give them access to laptops and tablets; we felt like we were losing control.”

“Good aspects? We managed to find enjoyable activities that we did together with the kids. Both are now excellent with computers. We even helped them learn to each keep a blog, edit images, and the older one even created a YouTube account where he periodically posts new trumpet performances.”

*Dumitra Isăchioaia, a primary school teacher, mother of a fifth-grade boy:

“In the first part of the pandemic – March to June – things were very clear for my son, a fourth-grade student. My schedule often coincided with his. It wasn’t hard to adapt. After classes, each of us prepared our homework for the next day. In the second part, from September until now, new things kept coming up – teachers for each subject, different schedules, increasingly demanding tasks. Until around noon, I conducted online classes with my students, and then, an hour or two later, he would start his classes. There are days of the week when we only spend time together in the evening, after his schedule.”

“As a teacher, things were felt with a different intensity. The responsibility for my students’ development motivated me to get organized, and together with the parents, we managed to create a platform and learn to use it together. However, all of this required time, energy, and motivation.”

“We all agree that online schooling is not beneficial for our children, but if we were to identify a positive aspect of the situation, it would be that attending classes, courses, and workshops can be done from anywhere.”