Many people wonder why women do not leave abusive relationships and why it is so difficult for them to leave everything behind. Often, the answers are tied to deep-seated prejudices, and the victim is automatically blamed: “for being stupid,” “because they like it.” Andreea Chiru-Maga, a psychotherapist at MindCare, explains the complex mechanism of abuse and helps us better understand what is really happening in these relationships.
It is an extremely delicate topic, which I believe is also related to the culture we are part of, to education, and to the history of this country. It is clear that the status of women was very different in the past and still is today, as the urban area is very different from the rural area. Women in urban areas are much more emancipated compared to those in rural areas. We are more likely to see a woman in the rural area who chooses to stay in an abusive relationship.
Why is it a delicate topic? Because, often, people who interact with such examples or situations tend to criticize easily and understand very little about what is really going on.
The Mechanism Leading to Abuse
We start from the beginning of the relationship, where partners are getting to know each other. They are exactly at the start of the relationship where, because they are curious and romantic, things are going well.
After that, the next stage is when most often the woman begins to realize the reality. The partner is not just sweet and perfect; they are not the ideal partner. Many times I have interacted with people who said, “I only found out after we got married that my partner was consuming alcohol, was addicted to drugs, was addicted to gambling, or was possessive or jealous.”
After this realization, communication arises, which is not always reciprocated by the partner. When communication is not reciprocated by the partner, they enter into a state of aggression, as this is the only natural response they have to a certain negative stimulus; they do not know how to manage the situation differently.
The partner becomes emotionally and physically abusive toward the other partner, but most often toward the female partner, and abuse occurs. After the abuse happens, the partner either distances themselves or returns to the partner with the romantic side that was present at the beginning: “Please forgive me, it will never happen again, I was a fool!”
There is also the possibility where the partner completely rejects the other: “You upset me, and now I’m staying upset.” The partner, most often the female, ends up feeling guilty and believes she is responsible for what happened. “Maybe I am to blame for this, I made a mistake, I provoked him.”
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So the partner returns to the relationship, things become normal until the partner makes a mistake again. When the partner makes a mistake again, and the partner, not knowing how to handle the situation, reacts with aggression once more. When this happens two, three, or four times, we are already entering a pattern.
At some point in this process, there is that “emotional freezing of the woman.” The woman is emotionally blocked, no longer feeling things, not seeing things clearly, and reaches a state where she does not fully understand what is happening. And if at that stage you try to work with, talk to, or interact with that woman, she is blocked, completely emotionally frozen. “Did you get beaten?” “Yes, yes.” She does not feel, does not suffer, nothing happens.
In certain situations, abusive partners who see that emotional freeze react with more violence, thinking, “You still don’t understand! To get the result I initially wanted, which is for the woman to return and come back with sweetness and light, means she wants more punishment, so I’ll give her more!” Or, on the contrary, when emotional freezing occurs, they might respond with flowers, warmth, closeness, and romantic gestures. People are very different and react in various ways.
The question often arises: “Why does a woman, who is being abused and going through this pattern, end up staying in the relationship?” There are several very important factors.
Fear
The partner does not leave the relationship because she fears that the abuse will continue after she leaves. Often, I have interacted with women who, despite making the very difficult decision to divorce, have been abused for years after the divorce, were followed, beaten, and their future partners were also beaten, assaulted, threatened with having their children taken away, threatened with being killed, or threatened with the partner’s suicide.
Financial insecurity
Besides fear, there is the financial aspect, which is not necessarily related only to abusive families but to many couples in this world: many couples choose not to divorce because they cannot survive on their own, cannot manage, cannot divide the house, do not have anyone to get along with if they were to get divorced, and there may be issues with the division of assets or potential conflicts.
Social pressure
It also matters the support the person receives from those around them. In rural areas, gossip—more traditional than through Facebook, Instagram, and other platforms—is much more prevalent. People are much more malicious, and in a community like a village, everyone knows what others are doing. If someone wants to be perceived well in society, they must maintain a certain image.
I have met individuals who choose to stay in an abusive relationship because they fear that once they leave, they will be criticized by society, rejected by their community, or shunned by their family. There are families with belief systems that insist on remaining within the family and continuing to care for the children. “What do you mean, leave the family when you have children? The children need to stay with both parents! Even if the parents are abusive and there’s violence within the family, you must stay there for the sake of the children.” “We are dealing with a very strong system of values and beliefs here, and we Romanians are experts in strong belief systems.”
Life history
The history matters a lot, including events with a significant emotional impact that the woman has experienced. And here I’m not referring only to the woman but also to the man.
The man, in order to have this mechanism of aggression, must also go through other mechanisms of aggression himself; he must acquire that aggression from somewhere. It is a way of reacting he has become accustomed to. Either he was abused as a child, or he had this model, or he was not allowed to interact with his emotions.
Parents do not rely on the emotional openness of boys, but rather on their suppression. “You are not allowed to cry, you are not allowed to be sad.” Girls are not allowed to be angry, and various limitations emerge through which, at some point, anger and aggression become part of masculinity.
A woman might have a traumatic history based on a system of aggression and love, meaning “I hit you,” but then two seconds later, “I love you.” There are parents who beat their children, scold them, abuse them, and then don’t even apologize, acting as if nothing happened. Those people effectively learn this language of love where aggression is normal. “If you love me, it means you are allowed to hit me.”
Photo source, heading: Sydney Sims | Unsplash
Article Source: https://www.medlife.ro/articole-medicale/andreea-chiru-maga-de-ce-raman-femeile-in-relatii-abuzive